Just Say No. (The Yearender)

I didn't do a lot of shit this year.

Some of it on purpose...some of it, not so much. But the point is, whether I intended to or not, 2007 has been the year of abstinence.
Little did I know it at the time, but now...all better and wiser in the last few months of my 34th year, I realize something.

Abstaining does not bring you some Jesus/Buddha/Confucius-like wisdom. You don't automatically become Gandhi because you decide not to smoke a joint.

Wait... before I launch into this, let me give you an idea of my sacrifices this year.

Regular* Sex
Smoking
Drugs
Drinking

(*"Regular" meaning "on a (by my standards) consistent basis". Not "regular" as in "ordinary". Ahem.)


I know, right?! I mean, this doesn't even sound like me, does it? Not that I'm Keith Richards or anything, but hell...I'm a big fan of vices...and some of you indulged in these vices right along with me...so I fully understand that what you're reading may come as a shock, but let me explain. (And no...I'm not a born again Christian. I did that in the 90's. It was overrated.)

Smoking:
I quit. Plain and simple. It was killing me. It was a crutch. It made me smell. Gave me bad skin. Lowered my energy and self esteem and was just disrespectful. I got tired of waking up to a livingroom that smelled like an ashtray and lungs that felt as if they were filled with cotton. I got tired of seeing that stupid Mexican guy with the voice box and secretly hoping that doesn't happen to me one day. I got tired of the shame I felt every time I asked for a pack of "Newport Lights". I got tired of masking the taste with bottles of wine. I got tired dumping an ashtray filled with butts so I don't have to look at them as I light another.
I got tired of counting how many I had and congratulating myself on having less than the night before. (Or berating myself for having more, and justifying the reason.) And I got tired of that feeling of panic at one in the morning, when I realize that I'm pretty drunk, I have to get up for work in six hours and I'm down to my last cigarette. No more cigarettes means it's time for bed. How fucked up is that? I also got tired of listening to Amy Winehouse. Hmmmm....

Drugs:
OK, maybe not "drugs". Just weed. I loved weed. Especially the "weed" and "regular sex" combination. It was a freakin' winner. And although nothing has changed about how I feel about sex, I honestly lost the taste for weed. I just...lost it. And I'll be honest...I sorta miss it. I'm not sure how, or why, but I just didn't like the way it made me feel. During or after. So I gave it up. No fanfare. I just....lost the taste. (shrug.) It's sort of like falling out of love I think. I think watching "Half Baked" sober had a lot to do with it. That's a bad movie. A really bad one. However, when you're high... it's really fucking funny. So weed was actually crushing my movie critic street cred. Fuck that. Some things are more important.

Regular* Sex:
This was quite unintentional. Nobody in their right mind just gives up regular sex if they can help it. Unless they don't enjoy it...and with me, that's just not the case. Shit just happened. And let me tell you, it was frustrating as hell. And it sucked. However, it does give you a fantastic "ah-ha!" moment.

I've learned that when you strip away sex as part of the bonding glue between two people, you start to see whether you can really stand each other. Because nothing says, "Lets work this out" like a great dual (or multiple) orgasm. There's something about a great orgasm that says, "Hey...your ass hair isn't so gross after all!", as you stroke it lovingly. However, without that post-coital filter, guess what you see? That's right. Ass hair. And there's nothing cute about it.

Ever see old couples that can't stand each other? I mean, the couple that looks at each other with that "will you just hurry up and die already" glance? Well, backtrack a good 30 years or so, and you'll probably see two people who, outside of a great sex life, weren't friends at all. Because when you strip it away...(and one day, it will get stripped away) you're left with someone you'd better be able to laugh with. Because ass hair may not be cute, but it sure as hell is funny.


Drinking:

This is a biggie because nobody enjoys a good liquid poison more than I do. But over this Christmas holiday, after hanging out with co-workers, I found myself on my knees... vomiting all over the bathroom. Violently. I ruined some clothes, boots, the bathroom rug, and had to be cleaned up and put to bed. (Thanks...) Oh. I also fucked up a pretty damn good surprise I had no idea was coming. And had the surprise been in my way, I would have vomited on that too.

And sure, I can blame it on the following:

1. I got braces, so I can't eat as much and thus, had no food to absorb the alcohol.
2. I drank "boiler makers" on top of champagne. (Classy meets frat boy...)
3. I drank too fucking much.

Umm...I'll take #3 Alex.

And previously, I'd hung out with the same co-workers three times over the course of two weeks, and drank just as much.
(Actually was invited to go out an additional time...which is just suicide.)

Now, somewhere along the line, I'd convinced myself that I could not have a good time without drinking. Or that celebrating just ain't celebrating without downing five or six. Which can't be true, can it?

So I had something to prove. Can I celebrate without booze?

Christmas Eve, I made my way through a half bottle...ok, 3/4 bottle of Champagne and poured out the additional bottle I had in the icebox and let the experiment begin.

And you know what? Christmas was great. I even scored two bags of weed and they still remain untouched by me. ( I did, however, touch the hell out of my aunt's sweet potato pie. Touched the hell out it.)

And here we are. New Year's Eve.

(Or what I'd like to call...the day after the nastiest fight I've had this year. Yeah...it was pretty bad. Like..."where's my arm?" bad. And still...no booze. Because it's not going to help. )

And for the first time in 20 years (do the math), I'm going to bring in the New Year sober. Why? Because I don't need an aid to celebrate and be thankful for what I have. I have all I need...right now.

And THAT boys and girls...is what I've learned this year.

It's not about what you need to get you by...it's about slowing down and acknowledging how lucky you are to have what you already have.

It's about what you HAVE right now. It's about being appreciative and thankful for everything you have. And as I'm typing, a dizzying amount of things I have to be thankful for are rushing my thoughts. (Don't worry...I won't name them all.) But there's a lot. An awful fucking lot.

I'm so grateful first and foremost for the lesson of this year. I won't ever forget my 34th year. And thank you all... who shared it with me.


Like I said, abstaining does not bring you some Jesus/Buddha/Confucius-like wisdom. What it does is keep you awake and aware long enough to see everything around you. And who knows...maybe that's what those guys were preaching about in the first place.

I'm going to have a wonderful 2008. It's going to be filled with magnificent love, gratitude, friendship and prosperity.
And I wish the same for you...

I love you all! Happy New Year!

-Nyree