In the immortal words of Slick Rick..."Here...we go..."
Yo booty might be bigga but I still can pull yo nigga..but I don't want em. You got suga on yo pita, but yo nigga think I'm sweeta..but I don't want em. You know the whole n'cyclo'pedja but yo nigga think I'm deeper...but I don't want em. Gotta whole lotta junk up in yo trunk but yo nigga think I'm live cuz I keeps it crunk..but I don't want em. ...I don't want em, because of what he's doing to you. And you don't need him. Cuz he ain't ready.
- Erykah Badu "Booty"
So...when was the last time you read Cosmopolitan magazine?
I picked it up in the beauty salon the other day...and laughed so hard at it, I had to buy it myself just to finish the articles. One article in particular targeted "Sneaky Women". Things women did to get what they wanted...from men. I mean...whatever they wanted.
One woman bought fake diamond studs, cried about losing one...and her boyfriend bought her a new pair...OF REAL ONES. Gangsta.
Another woman told her boyfriend she was pregnant...so he'd begin to think marriage.
He began to think future..and bingo...a ring. Yikes. (She never did say how she got out of the lie..)
Reminds me of that joke Chris Rock made.
"Men lie small...like..I was with Robert. Women lie big like..It's your baby!"
And I'm starting to believe this shit is true.
In an edit session one night...I had my crumpled up, well read edition of Cosmo...and to pass the time, I decide to read out loud a few articles to my editor.
Shock and awe.
"Women actually THINK this way?" he asked.
I could see the wheels turning. He was wondering if his live-in girlfriend read this crap and if she'd been gaming him into doing the things he does...or if he did things of his own free will. (I'm sure she's doing it of her own free will M.C. Don't trip.)
Oh..I didn't give you best part. NOT ONLY does Cosmo give you great ways to manipulate your sweetie...but it also gives you toe-curling sex tips, so if he doesn't do what you say, you get all "Vivid Video" on him...and eventually...he will. (Don't buy it. In a nutshell...more oral sex. Moving on...)
I won't promote it any more than I have, because it's the low-self-esteem-girl's guide to staying single. However...if you know who you are and give knob-slobs during half-time cuz you LOVE him, not cuz you want him to look at you like he looks at (insert chick he finds hot here)...read away. It's great entertainment.
So, after we had dinner (in the edit. See. That's how rumors get started), my editor confessed that he wished his girlfriend would "dress up" more. After they moved in together, he only sees her in sweatpants and ponytails. "Can't remember the last time she threw on some heels." he said.
Ouch. I kinda cringed on that one. Ponytails are a good friend of mine and the pair of sweats I like to rock around the house... uh. Yeah. Let's just say if the building burned down, I'd try my damnest to change before leaving my apartment.
Then it clicked.
Women are reading the wrong damn magazine. I mean, sure. There's a "Cosmo Men" section that takes the advice of 24 year olds as to what keeps them interested (anything)...but no where in there does it say "Do your damn hair and throw away those ratty ass sweatpants." If women really wanna know...I had a sneaking suspicion I should check...
Men's Health. Muscle and Fitness. Best Life and most importantly ...Maxim.
OK. Fine. You've got to get past the cover. It's cool cuz... you're never gonna look like whats-her-face on the cover. (Actually, what's-her-face on the cover will never look like herself on that cover without Photoshop.) But as I cracked open the magazine...I noticed something.
Not one woman rocked a ponytail. Or sweatpants that looked anywhere NEAR what I had at home.
Rocket science? I think not.
So "light bulb moment" for this week? Do ya damn hair.
Then I read the articles...
"How to deal with Attractive Chicks" (Basically...ignore her, since she's used to the attention. This one got me. While am I in no way staring in mirrors all day, I fully realize those moments when I'm the baddest beeyach in the room...and I WILL NOT BE IGNORED. )
"Be a Much Better Man" (Whoa.)
"Chicks Dig Men Who Cook" (Duh.)
"How To Get Her To Wear Heels To Bed" (Simple. Buy her a pair of Manolos. She'll wear em every damn night. I would.)
But no duh. (Duh is my new favorite "back in the day" phrase. Go with it.)
Just as I didn't get I should trash those sweatpants, there's some dude out there who doesn't know that saying some shit like, "You know, the secret to my salmon is the rosemary in the buttersauce."* Makes us swoon.
So this week..I made one unexpected improvement....
Which means getting up a little earlier (GROAN) to get the hair to fall right.
(Double Groan. It's too long damn it...)
And not because someone else finds it attractive...but because I walk with a little more 'tude when I know it's falling right. I've got a little more oomfh.
So.. let's re-cap. I had two weeks, so I should have gotten everything done...right? Err..
Home:
Things got real shakey this week when my laundry seemed to want to stay in the corner of my bedroom, instead of in drawers/closets. I realize that I need to FIX MY DRESSER... and this means getting my power-drill returned. Ahem. You're reading this. I know you are.
Yes. I bought flowers (a habit that is becoming my favorite.)
I started the hall closets...but ran out of time.
HOWEVER...I did start a "throw away" pile.
A defective hooded dryer.
Two bar stools
A scanner
A picture that no longer "fits".
Heart:
I went to see "Chicago" with Shervon. Blondie (and I say this with the love only an older sister can have) didn't realize the tickets were for 8pm...instead of 2pm. So after my step-class (in which I didn't mess up once, thanks to the music. Mike Jackson vs. Janet...Ms. Jackson if your nasty. And speaking of Janet...someone on a blog somewhere called Jermaine "Master Splinter"...and that's almost as funny as Mike Epps saying James Brown's mug shot picture looks like a Thundercat.)
Anyway...we bonded...for HOURS..(LOL...) but we had a great time. It's always great to connect.
I have dinner with D.E. (paternal sister) this Saturday, and possibly painting an elementary school.
(I've got nerve though. My bathroom is jealous now.)
Finance:
I misplaced my debit card on purpose. (Let that marinate for a minute. You'll understand me.) And I FREAKED out. However, I know when to use it, and when I'm just being lazy. That's huge. Everything else is on track...sorta.
I just paid bills ...all bills...on time. And wrote and apology to my landlord for being late.
Health:
I've been taking this boxing class...and I love it. The instructor asked me if I box for real....which is either a) a genuine compliment on my skillz or b) she wants to sleep with me because I appear all Million Dollar Baby in that peice. (No..guys. No. Just calm down. No. Keep your panting to a minimum please.)
Either way..I've been kicking ass and taking names, so I'm proud of that.
Yoga, Step..and my clothes need saftey pins. Good things people. Good things.
So ...switchin gears before I get into next week's goals.
The topic now is "hope".
This theme came up a few times this week with a few friends of mine.
I think we all hope for different things. Love. Wealth. Love. (Oh...did I say that twice?)
But here's the thing.
There will always be someone who loves you and hopes you remember this.
There will always be someone who you love, and you hope they know this.
You'll always owe someone. Always.
And you'll always hope you can pay them.
Hope is pretty powerful. Nothing more to it. Just wanted to leave you with that.
So ...next week...
HOME:
Actually THROW AWAY the things I've decide I don't need. (yikes)
Paint the bathroom. (Chocolate...I told you.)
And ignore Best Buy's sale on Plasma TV's. Sorry. Had to put that in there.
HEART:
Call my cousin PJ. We were REALLY tight as kids, but then he had some and ...well..you know.
Wanna reconnect with him. It's time.
Call my brother. Steven and I are 8 years apart and he's always had that "big brother" place in my heart,
but we've grown apart. A call to him is WAY overdue.
Buy a gift for a friend: This is important. I don't think you should just celebrate birthdays or weddings.
Sometimes, a little something...unexpected...goes a long...long way. And you never know. They may need it.
HEALTH:
Keep on doing what I'm doing. OK...without a bottle of really good wine (those guys in my favorite wine shop are like
crack dealers. "This new Cabernet came in and it's WONDERFUL"....
I'm gonna take a "stip tease" class next week too. That should be funny...I mean...fun.
FINANCE:
I'm doing well... pretty well. But let's see if I can stick to it. Went without bringing lunch a few times...but I forgive that.
Let's see if I can do better with it.
It's all about improvement people..and I've decided on my next 8 week task...it's to get...(drum roll please...)
MY DRIVERS LICENSE.
Yeah...yeah. All you in the south can't imagine. But a city chick never really needs one. My mom still doesn't have one. Or my step dad. Or my sisters. A few of them. After this is through...I'm gonna go on a journey to become a licensed driver.
Stay off the road. That's a warning.
And if by chance, you don't have one either, I encourage you to join me in my quest for freedom.
What the hell else better do you have to do?
-Nye
*Name that movie.
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