Six Degrees Of Friend-eration Ex

For all of you who would rather blow your brains out in front of your youngest child than watch a single half hour of "Sex And The City", this first paragraph is for you.

I've quit smoking...just like the main character "Carrie" on the show, and what she USED to do (while contemplating how fucked up her love life had become) was pull on a stog...exhale..and by the the time she'd fully rid her lungs of smoke, she'd come up with another gleaming morsel of relationship ephiphany that she'd then summarize into one perfect question...typed directly into her hopelessly outdated Mac. Now, the reason why your woman watched this show quite religiously (pay attention...I see you dozing...) is because these are the VERY QUESTIONS she asked herself time and time again, and still does. About you, and her ex. That's right. Her ex.

I hate to tell you this but she still thinks about her ex. Actually that's what the show was all about if you really want to sum it up into a poor generalization.

(To be read in S.J.P.'s whiny drone...)

"In a city of potential "the ones"...what if "the one" was someone you already had...or could there be more than one "one". I couldn't help but wonder...how many "ones" do we get?"

We think about this shit all the damn time. And usually, when we're not expecting it.

For instance...when I heard, quite by accident, "Rain" by SWV. (I'm probably going to get an eye-jammie for annoucing that ...but what's the point of being an artist if you can't be honest? And what's he point of hiding the following fact, when, if this song is ever played in presence of current "Boo-Boo", I'm probably going to smirk. Big.)

I got my back blown out to this song once upon an ex.

I mean, the kind of back-blowing where you want to know what exactly you did to deserve a back blowing this good. The kind where it makes you scared that this is the BEST you will ever get in your life and it will never...not with this person or another... EVER get this good again. Because for this enchanted moment, the planets decided to orbit backwards, Teddy Pendergrass stood up and started a slow clap, your Mother apologized about not getting you the Darth Vader Head collectible storage case when you were ten because it wasn't gender appropriate, your shit DIDN'T stink and damn it...could you use a glass of cold fucking water...scratch that. Beer. From the tap that Sam Malone just fucking poured and your sitting inbetween Frazier and Cliff ....and Norm just walked in the door. And to top it off...damn it...you're sore. In a good way. In the "I'm gonna feel this tomorrow but won't have to blot when I pee" kinda way.

SO ANYWAY....

So I'm tasting the preverbal foam of my beer and suddenly the song ends.

And I begin to wonder dumb female shit like... why aren't we friends? We were best friends when we were together...why can't be friends now?

And so, due to lack of a stog, I pour a glass of wine, and wish to GOD I didn't move to such a fucking bougie neighborhood, or I could run down to the store and cop me a loosie to go with all this typing.

But no, cuz I'd have to walk all the way down that dark fucking hill to the "real-er" section...and it's cold and late. Sure, I don't live in a neighborhood where a dude has to walk you to the train or even out the building to the cab (memba?) but upgrading means you have to deal with shit like... serial killers. Different demographic, different problems.

So anyway, the thought of the long walk to the store triggered other shit.. like that time he got Kobie'd and I realized that the store on the corner was closed so I had to walk to the 24-7 "revolving bullet-proof lazy suzan" A-Rab spot to get a pack of Fiberglass Lights so I could cope. And THEN trekked four flights of steps to the apartment, crying hysterically...wondering if I'd destroy his shit first or smoke. Hmm...what to do...what to do.

And then I wondered about the other ex...and the ex before that...and before that ...all the way back to the first.

I mean, the truth was... I was best friends with all of them. How could I not be? How can you spend all that time saying nothing of substance with another person and NOT be? Because, let's be real. Eventually, the conversation turns from your personal thoughts on Al Sharpton's position on global warming to "I got my pedicure for only $10 today! It's usually $21 but her other client cancelled so I got a discount!" type-uh bullshit that you actually should keep to yourself. But because you've spent so much "just-breathing" time together, you've shattered your inner dialouge.

Not only that, but you've done other dumb shit...like let him into the bathroom with you, which, at first...is cute. It says, "Hey...I'm so comfortable with you, I can pee right in front of you. Isn't that GREAT!??"

But to him says, "Oh shit. She pees from the same place I actually put my mouth?"

Yeah, he knows. But he didn't KNOW KNOW. Now, he does. And you've moved into "best friend" territory. (BTW...men don't go to the bathroom with friends. Only women so that. Just want to put that out there. Close the fucking door.)

But see? It's shit like that. Like, wiping your ass in from of him that makes you think you can be friends post break up without giving him ass on a regular basis and you know what?
You can! But without giving up ass... it's gonna get old real quick. For both of you.

And really. Was his position on Jehovah's Witness' vs. Paganism THAT profound?
And, if you were in college, weren't you high most of the time anyway? Of course he was your best friend! It was a simpler time. A time when having a kid was taboo, instead of anticipated.

So do as Badu says. "Let it go...let it go..let it go..."

Just like Denise Forbes in the third grade probably went on to bigger and better best friends...without once wondering why you're still not playing hopscotch with her...nor shall you wonder why any of your ex's are not you're friends.

It's simply because they had their time...as u have had yours. Trying to re-invent it will cheapen what you had. And do you really want to lose that warm fuzzy feeling you get when you hear "Rain"?

Uh...I think not.

So just listen to the song. Smile. And go cuddle up with your current "one".

That's what I'm gonna do right now. And hopefully, when I hear Floetry's "Say Yes" one day, I'll smile just as big.

(Cue "Sex And The City" end credit music here...)