"Good morning independence...or is it loneliness? I know I said I wanted this, but I have regrets. I prayed for God's will to be done...the very next day you were gone." -India.Arie "Good Mourning"
I'm a liar.
And I spin fantastic lies. I caught myself in a quite a few last week.
The greatest hits being...
1) I can afford to go to Ibeza, Spain.
2) I can have a genuine friendship with questionable acquaintances.
3) I can drink champagne on top of vodka and be perfectly fine.
4) The ATM hands out unlimited $20 bills.
This past week was a fucking EYE-OPENER.
Let's get started because... though I feel as if I'm one week behind, I realize, I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. After all, how can you clean up a mess if you don't take the time to look at it?
And here's what I noticed.
There's dirt you swept under a rug that accumulated. I just used to seeing that crud on the cabinet. After some time, becomes part of the background.
But when you take the time to see it. I mean, turn on some lights and get down to the floor...you know. Just KNOW...you'll breathe better when it's gone.
Let's get started:
HOME:
I bought a book. "Apartment Therapy". It actually is a 8 week plan to turn your apartment around, which is PERFECT. Goes right along with my 8-Week "Get Right" plan.
Week one:
Buy flowers. (Sure. Easy enough.)
Write a repair list. (Check. Thought I didn't realize how annoying that loose doorknob on my bathroom door was.)
Sit In One Corner of my home for ten minutes (OK. Didn't do this yet. Just felt..silly. I'll do it tonight. Pinkie swear.
Mop and vacuum all floors: Check. Discovering I REALLY hate my mop and bucket, I bought new ones. I had to crouch because the handle was too short and THEN..try to fit a rectangle (mop) into a circle (bucket). Um...didn't I learn this when I was two? With blocks??
Rectangles don't fit in circles.
Bed, Bath and Beyond to the rescue.
RESULT: My apartment looks...BETTER. MUCH better. Bring on Week 2.
HEART*:
*No animals will be harmed in the writing of this entry.
Friends, Family and Intimate relationships.
This was hard. HARD.
Because just because you love somebody, doesn't mean they are good for you.
And so I asked that very tough question. Is there a mutual respect?
Simply put...if I respect you, it's because I love you. I love you enough to say, "You know what's best for you, I dont' have to tell you."
I try to do this with everything and everyone.
Now, respecting myself can be tricky.
Sometimes, self-gratification gets in the way of respect.
EX: Chocolate Cake vs. Treadmill
So I made it a point to listen. Not to what people wanted to tell me, but to what they were trying to hide. Who respects me, as I respect them. And I came up with some interesting results.
Family:
Paternal Sisters: There's a true breakdown here. We want to get along...but can't.
I can't blame them...it takes two to tango. KE, KE2, IE & JE are all good people.
We just need to meet on a common ground. And try really hard not focus on silly sibling jealousy stemming from...
Dad:
He's pretty damn controlling. Bossy and arrogant. It's annoying. His lack of respect for anyone's opinions or feelings drive me bananas. And everyone else around him bananas. It keeps me from being closer to him and keeps me away. Far away. Far ..far..away. I'm going to try and find a happy medium.
Friends & Intimate relationships: The old saying holds true. The friends you have now are the friends you have later. Over the past week, I've observed the respect give and take. In some, it's one sided. In others, a two way street. A comfortable ebb and flow. Some constantly respect my time and life, others are selfish as hell. Nothing has been done yet. Just an observation. A painful one.
FINANCES:
Wholly SHIT I waste a lot of money!!
For the first time in ...God knows when... I took a good, hard look at my bank statement. I highlighted "NYCE" purchase with a green highlighter, "ATM" withdrawals got a check next to it. The "bill payments" and "transportation" expenses went untouched. MOST OF THE PAGE WAS NEON GREEN.
Which means, I spend all my money...on intangible, ..bullshit. I looked
Then I notice that I take the Metro North to work ...every day.
I buy single rides, thinking I'm going to take the subway one day to save money.
That doesn't happen. So I've been dickin' myself out of "weekly" or "monthly" savings.
Lunch: Bought that bitch every day. EVERY. DAY.
Ten bucks (at least) times five.
Times four.
$200 a month in lunch. FUCKING. LUNCH.
Not to mention the mid-day "pick me up" coffee/snackwell cookies.
$10 a week. Times four. $40 fucking dollars in snacks.
Credit Cards: My interest rates are BANANAS. They need to come down. I cut up two of them.
The Gym:
I belong to the HBO gym and Crunch.
One of them have to go.
Late Bill Payment: I pay everything late, so I get hit with fees and huge lump sum payments. I'm blowing a DUMB amount of money in late fees.
And my biggest problem...
My ATM card: $20 here. $40 here. Purchase here. It stays home. If I don't have cash, I have to go old school...to a teller. Between the hours of 9 and 5. Eliminate that $20 habit I've got.
HEALTH:
The last time I was a size 4, I caught food poisoning in Brazil.
I looked fantastic. Then I ate like I normally did.
Hello size 8.
I really believe my 33 year old body only takes two-half assed work outs to get back into the shape it was in three years ago.
I believe yoga and running for 20 minutes is enough.
I sit on my ass for 7 hours daily. Do you see the madness?
Also, somewhere along the line, I told myself that drinking so much you fall asleep in last night's clothes is still cute.
It's not...but I did it last week. Oh..and I smoked. Boy, did I.
Now.
This was just week one. (WHOA.)
Just a harsh, honest look at what's going on. Not a pretty picture.
Week Two begins tomorrow.
This is where shit gets real.
HOME: Fix one thing myself. Buy flowers. Clean kitchen, top to bottom. (empty old
food...the whole 9.) Find a new recipe, cook at home.
HEART: Call one of my sisters. Just one. I'll start with DE. She's the nicest one.
Send Dad a "Thank You" card.
Delete anyone I haven't spoken to in a year from my cellphone.
Pro and Con relationships.
FINANCE: Leave Debit Card home.
Set Up Auto Bill Payment
Get C.C. rates reduced.
Bring lunch
Create a budget
HEALTH: Set up a work out plan
Work out at ONE gym this week (3x cardio/ 3x strength)
Give Away my HBO Gym locker.
(Whew. What the hell did I get myself into?)
-Nye
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